My Dark Days-I wish I could Cry

So today it finally hits me. The denial is gone, my mind has processed it and finally the grief I tot I had mastered, has let loose. For the second time, death has intruded into my reality and the scales have dropped from my eyes. People die. And when they do, people cry. 
I wish I culd cry. I wish the swirl of emotions would find expression in tears that wash away the heaviness and set me free to mourn and get over it. When my mum died, I never cried. I sunk myself into exams, travel preparations, running checklists over and over in my mind so that I wouldnt confront the thoughts that placed their heavy grip on my chest. I did eventually let it out, after I had gotten my visa and had no other thoughts to push them back with. I collapsed on my bedroom floor, international passport in hand, two months after my mum's funeral and finally cried for her. I remember when people looked at my dry eyes during her funeral and remarked "hes a strong man, lionheart," and stuff like that. If only they knew.
Once again I find myself writing, blogging, doing homework that I would normally ignore, anything to take my mind off the fact that Dr. Tony-Adams Aburime, the most convivial, endearing and annoyingly pleasant guy I knew, a father figure, mentor and boss has left this world. And most suddenly too. I saw him on thursday. He was fine. On monday, he was dead. Its a dark, dark  day in my life right now. 
I summoned the courage to write this because letting it out may be what I need to put it behind me. And as I write, my thoughts dance around death. One prayer I ask, that God in heaven should keep my dad safe, and let him stay alive for far longer than ever. I love that man to death, and hes the only one I have. Let nothing happen to him anytime soon.
As for Doc, you've finally seen what its like on the other side. I hope its everything you wanted it to be, and more. R.I.P. and may my days be filled with brightness once again. Cos even though misery loves company, I like to grieve alone.