What American Moms could Learn From African Mothers

People wonder how American kids are falling so backwards academically compared to students from other parts of the world. And every time they talk about this in the news, they blame the educational system. Granted, the school system here has its problems, but those are actually secondary to the child's academic performance. I just feel that the more you look at it, the more you realize that parenting and family life is what develops a child's performance.
For instance, its almost a stereotype now that African immigrants outperform native born Americans by a wide margin in a lot of areas. And while we do not have access to anything remotely close to the kind of educational system Americans enjoy, we're not doing so bad. In fact, we're actually doing pretty good. So whats the secret?? Simple..dad and mum, most especially mum. Here are some things an African mother rarely allows her child to do:

* attend a sleepover
* have play dates

the boy is reading animatedly.

* stay  late bcos of a school play
* always sit in from of a TV
* complain about the parent's decisions
* choose their own extracurriculars
* get any grade less than A
* not be the top kid in every subject except Physical Education and Drama

I'm using the term African mother loosely cos I know some Jamaican, Irish, Indian mums who raise their kids like this too. And I know a lot of African mums who spoil their kids as silly as any American kid. And there are lots of American mums who are strict, I acknowledge that. But even when American mums want to be strict, they rarely ever come close to Afro-mums. For example, American mums usually make their kids practice their instrument for 30 mins a day. And while African parents r not large on instruments (I mean, you gats chop belle ful b4 u buy piano na) the few that do will tell you that the first hour is the easy part. Hours 2 n 3 r the clinchers.
This is not a matter of stereotype, its a true and tested fact that the parental model in Africa and the US are largely different. For instance, studies show that African kids spend 10 times more of their home and free time drilling academic exercises. American kids spend roughly the same amount of time participating in sports teams. Also, in a study of 50 American parents, a whooping 70% said it was not too healthy to 'stress academic success' to their kids and that 'parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun'. By contrast, less than 2% of African parents believe the same thing in a similar survey. What African parents realize is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. And to get good at anything, you have to work hard at it consistently and constantly over time. Also, children on their own (and even adults, to think about it) hardly have the motivation to do that work on their own. So parents have to override their preferences with all fortitude because the child will resist. And this is where American parents often give up, at the beginning, when it is hardest. Americans overrate innate prodigy and underrate the power of simple repetition. Thing is, once the child breaks through that hard part and begins to excel at something, be it math, music or reading, the praise he gets often is enough motivation to keep him working. The trick is to persevere until he gets there. That is when confidence comes in, and the once not-fun activity becomes fun.
African parents can get away with things American parents can never dare to do. Once, when I was young I was very disrespectful to my older sister. My mum scolded me bitterly and called me "animal shit" in our Ibo language. It worked well, because I felt dumb and terrible. But it didn't damage my self esteem. I knew I wasn't what she called me. I certainly didn't feel worthless. I just knew I fucked up. If an American parent tries that, hmm..suffice it to say that social services may pay a visit. Fact is, many thing African parents can get away with, are even legally actionable here in the US. African parents routinely tell their kids "het fatty-ma go lose some wieght" or "quit eating so much, soon our doors will be too narrow for u!". Not so with Americans. They will tip toe around the issue and talk about calories and health and things the average kid barely understands, still their kids end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self image. I actually had a friend who is overweight now. She used to be really obese as a kid, and her dad would always say "ur competent and incredibly beautiful in your own way". she told me that made her feel like garbage.
African parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents often tell their kids, "its okay, you tried your best."
There are several reasons I think the American parents raise kids the way they do.  For instance, if a child comes home with an A- on a test, American parent will almost always praise the child. If he comes home with a B, he is still likely to be praised, though with a little 'you can try harder' appended on it. Some will sit the child down and express disapproval, but they will always try not to make the child feel insecure or inadequate.  And if the grades don't improve, the concerned ones will often go to the school, and try to question the teacher's competence. Others will just decide that maybe the kids strong suit is not academics and try to find the child's talents. An African child though that comes home with a B will hide and avoid his parents for a while. And when that fails and his parents finally see his result, there will be yelling and fit-throwing first. Ears will be pulled, and the child will be forced to engage in what I call 'head-counting' which involves parents asking "how many heads do those kids that made A have?". and if u dare go below a B, u already know u are in for some good old child abuse cos u will get beat. Finally, the mum sits with the child going over practice tests, books and notes until the grade gets up to an A. Most African parents demand a perfect grade from their kids because they believe they can achieve it. Also, African parents often feel that they know what is best for their kids, and often painstakingly make sure the kids realize that. Not a perfect world, but sometimes helpful. Especially in the long term.

Sometimes African parents are stereotyped as overbearing, callous and some times abusive, and there is no denying that sometimes that is the case. But most of the time, its not. African parents often make deep personal sacrifices for their children, and feel the need not to let that sacrifice go to waste. This makes them a lot more insistent on the direction they want their childrens lives to take, while many American parents surprisingly seem perfectly content to let their child turn out as bad as he dares to be. Not that they dont have good intentions for parents, biologically and instinctively, parents want the best for their children. Just that American parents give up too easily. And the worst thing you can do to a child's confidence and ability to compete is to give up when raising him is hard. Because when you give up on them, yur letting them give up on themselves too..making them resign to whatever the environment or their own poor choices foists on them. Many a bad child wishes his parents had been more coercive. And when American parents finally learn to stick to rules and bend their children in those formative years to follow them, thats when American kids will have the skills, inner confidence and competitive spirit to take on a world that is increasingly global.